Monthly Archives: March 2009

Begin as you mean to go on

Well, not sure how much of that I did.

When I was in university, I worked at an Air Cadet Gliding School camp in the summers, doing various jobs, depending on the year. Some, I did flight instruction; one year I was an admin assistant and my final year I was the Chief Ground School Instructor (CGI) (I got to manage the classroom part of the program).

But it’s the year that I was an admin assistant that this phrase comes from. There were a couple of others too. The CGI that year was an older gentleman who had been running the ground school for years and I was helping him. Some would say a curmudgeon he was, honestly, I can’t even remember his name, but he was ok, if you were on his good side. His bark was bad but his bite was only bad if you really pissed him off. Luckily, I didn’t. Ah, those were the days – I was a golden child and could do almost no wrong. haha. That didn’t last too long.

Anyway, “Begin as you mean to go on” was one of his favourite sayings. And it’s all about the procrastinating thing that I’ve been up to. Well, to be honest, I haven’t really been procrastinating so much as avoiding exposing myself to the world. When I started this blog, part of the intent was to chronicle my journey and my growth experiences and it’s against anyone’s nature to expose one’s softer inner tender bits to the world. Hence the Great Pause.

My mother often said, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” and to be honest, I’ve had some trouble saying nice things the last little while, nice things to myself, but also in offering positive feedback on my misery to you, my readers. But, as I write here thinking about it, although I’m pretty much out of the rut, I realize that connecting is one of the ways to get out of the rut. There are other ways to get out of that rut too.

That dark rut, the Dark Night of the Soul, as one of my mentors calls it, is a haven too. When all of that nasty negative fear and loathing starts, it’s safe to just hide, and there is certainly a part of you that does not want to expose that to the air, let alone the light. I like to hide because I am miserable, as my roommate will attest to. I’m depressed, desperate, confused, let’s not forget, angry, and, often, whiny. Why me? Actually I don’t ask that anymore but I certainly ask – what am I doing nor not doing? What the h*** is going on? Why is this not happening? And of course, the answer is always, there is a reason, you just have to figure it out. Oh, and be patient. ARRRGH!!

Well, sometimes that is just waaaaayyy too much work – to figure it out. It’s hard to figure out how to get out of bed unless you really have to, let alone figure out what you need to do. It’s hard to be objective about your own fear, when you’re in it. When you’re not in it, well, really it’s not hard to see, the fear, that is. But how do you get out of those dark times?

Connecting is one way. Call your friends, go out, let them know you need them to remind you that life is fun, and not just about whatever it is you’re obsessing about. And from my own experience, make sure you go out with more than just your healer/work friends. I have one friend whom I just love. She has a wonderful sense of sarcasm and wit and insight into people that we spend much of our time sniping at each other (we can certainly get each other’s goats) but I always seem to get the biggest kick out of her. She has my sense of humour too and gets my jokes. But I laugh when I’m with her. When I’m with my healing friends, I seem to spend more time crying, because everyone cares so much that sometimes it’s overwhelming. Laughing with one who loves you is even better than crying. I’m really good at crying so I prefer to practice my laughing.

Another way is through sincere gratitude. I remember lying in bed one night, excited because I was looking for interesting jobs (and this is in the last 6 weeks) and thinking that I would write a thank you note to my last boss, who is a great person, to let him know what I was up to. He’d been very supportive of me when I left his company, and I wanted to express my gratitude for his faith and support and something hugely shifted for me. I’ve been in a bit of a financial pickle lately, not having worked in now almost 4 months, and I’ve had some wonderful friends helping me out too, especially my roommate who keeps me in healthy food. So, while in the dark, I’m lamenting because I can’t buy my own food, or pay my own bills with my own money, rather than focusing on the show of love and support around me – I’m focusing on that too though, and I thank my friends regularly, but that simple shift of perspective to gratitude can change your perspective on many things and turn your thinking around and start shining that light into the rut so you can find your way out.

Surrender helps too sometimes, surrender to the dark and falling into the pit because otherwise you could be standing on the edge for a while just prolonging the inevitable. But it also means surrendering to Source, to your pathway, to your future, to your true light.

What else? Another favourite saying of the old curmudgeon was “Ask and ye shall receive”. And you have to ask! Angels and guides will not interfere unless you ask for help. And it’s not just asking for help from above but also asking help from your friends or of certain people.

I have a wonderfully talented friend who is a voice channel as well. I knew she wasn’t too sure where she wanted to go with it and I didn’t want to bother her with my desperate pleadings for help (verbal or not). However, I did take advantage of the fact that she called my roommate to contact her (we’re close so calling one of us often means calling both of us). So, I talked to her to see if she’d be interested in a trade of services sort of arrangement. I wanted a mentor to help me with my readings and my voicing, and she wants one to help her with her healing path. So, now we have a deal. She also let me ask all sorts of questions of her the other day which was great because it did answer some things for me in terms of my healing work and she confirmed some other things for me as well, also wonderful.

So, that certainly has helped get me out of this rut that I’ve been in but I was thinking the last couple of days that it’s not so much the “Dark Night of the Soul” that I’ve been in than in a transition. The dark night is sometimes made up of moments but I think that that whole process is a reflection of transition. Change is always hard for oneself. It is certainly easier to point other people’s paths, etc, but when it’s your own, it’s hard to remember that you are worth the effort to get the h*** out of that rut and get going.

I am in transition. This week, I’ve started manifesting more work for me in terms of healing and readings, and I’m beginning to see that this may be the way for me to go, but I’m still holding on to the fantasy of the perfect part time job so I can have a regular income. I still am having challenges manifesting any kind of traditional work so I’m just going to focus on doing the best I can at whatever I’m doing at the time. Is the final answer?

There is no final answer, just the journey of one step in front of the other. And the joy that you can find along the way, the beautiful flowers that are by the pathway that you’re on that are always there provided you look up and around where you are at while you’re trudging through whatever rut you may be in at the time to get to the next light.

Does the rut, the dark, go away? No. But the joy of emerging is greater every time so it is worth the journey. I am worth the journey, and you are worth the journey. For me, I’m taking the dark as an opportunity to teach about it from now on and hopefully this will provide hope to others who are going through these periods of challenge.

And sometimes, it just takes a good swift kick in the butt.

So, thank you to all of you who have been supporting me to date and whom I know, will continue to support me in my journey. My blessing and my gratitude go out to you. And if you’re in a rut, remember, this too shall pass.

With love and light,
Jenn

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